Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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