I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As shirtless as possible
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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