hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
