Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
