I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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