everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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