Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
