Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
