He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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