I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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