I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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