1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You pole danced in your parka.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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