We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
