he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
