I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
