If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We're too hungover to prance.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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