Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
