Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
