I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I touched a dick in church today
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
