yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
