I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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