Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
