Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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