I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
