remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
