Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
