When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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