Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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