I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
