Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize