So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
