I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
