So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
