literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize