What a fucking waste of an outfit
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
