The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
