Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
