She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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