I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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