I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
