The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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