So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
