ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
