He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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