Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
