Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
