I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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