Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
