She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
