tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
