hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize