So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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