Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
