I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
