he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
