apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
